Counseling Update!

So, I haven't talked (written) about my counseling lately. It isn't because nothing has gone on, but because I have been really busy lately.
It hasn't been as intense lately, though. Which is good in a way. Life has been moving a long. I am not as angry with God right now. About a month ago I was so angry with the Lord, my Lord. I still have a hard time when I think about it and I can see that my view of God in my own life and my view of God for other people is different. I am learning to deal with that and I am trying to figure out what that means for me and what that means for my theology and how I can believe what I know to be true for others for myself.
What I believe for myself is a lie and what I believe for all of you is what the scriptures have taught me to be true. I think that is why I like studying the scriptures so much, because I need to keep reminding myself of the truth that I know cognitively, because I don't believe it all the time in my heart. Some of my friends comments to my blogs have been great. When i think of Tance's comment, it warms my heart. When I read my Psalm to Jim (my counselor) and Tance's comment was on there even he coked up because of her love and caring for me.
God has always been faithful to bring people into my life to remind me of his goodness and love, Tance and her family have been some of those people. Though not the most religious people, they were the face of God many times over.
This week I brought pictures from Venice to show Jim. It was kind of fun to go through them with him. I also showed them to Jessica that day. I don't look at them very often. Some interesting things came out of that day. Jim noticed that in most of the pictures I was not the center of attention, my brother was. I was either in the background or my back was turned. He also noticed my mom always look put together and I never did. I never had a little girl's hair-do. My dad combed my hair, my mom didnt have much to do with me, except to forget me places. So, there is not one picture as a child with barrettes in my hair or with pig tails or ponytails. I had boy hair, that is the only way my dad knew how to brush hair. I think I was in Middle School before I learned how to put my hair up and that was from someone other then my family.
I also learned i should have been tested for a learning disability. In my box of pictures I have 2 years of standardized tests and report cards. They are from 2nd and 3rd grade. My grades and my tests scores don't match up. I never realized that. Jim figured that out for me. You see the only thing i remember about 3rd grade was that I needed to get smarter. bad things wouldn't happen to me if i was smarter. If I were smarter I would have run, or I would not have gone, I just would have known better. Things owuld be better if I were smarter. So in the beginning of the third grade I decided I needed to get smarter so I moved my desk by my teacher's desk. It payed off. My test scores which were average in 2nd grade were way above average in 3rd grade, but my grades were still way below average. I still cannot remember anything about 3rd grade. I am ok with that. God is protecting me. I understand that.
I have lived my whole life thinking I was dumb. I grew up in my older brother's shadow. He was and is the smart one, even today even though I am the one with a Master's Degree. I did better than he did in College, but that didn't seem to matter. Since Middle School I have received good grades, even excellent grades, but I was never smart enough for my family. You can ask Tance, I was smart, but it was never good enough for my family. This week was good for my heart to know 1) I had a learning disability even back then ( i found out I had dyslexia in middle school) 2) I was not dumb, I was smart!
My friend David is a Teacher and I know he loves what he does and I know he is a great teacher because he longs to have kids love learning. I wish i had a teacher who longed for me to learn when I was little. I wish I had one person see me and paid attention to me and my pain as a small child. What a difference that might have been in my life. I never got that until Middle School. I have always been thankful for Bartram, because that is where i learned to love to learn. I learned that I was special and worthy at Bartram. I had to wait until 7th grade for that. My teachers never cared... Luckily I got out of Venice! praise be to the Lord for that!
lesson for us as grown-ups: Pay attention to the kids around us!!! Watch, learn, love! Be involved! We never realize the needs and pain in those around us.
Enough said!
By the way... I have had a migraine since Tuesday and my back and neck are killing me!!! I hate pain! Vicodin and muscle relaxers are not working neither is my topamax right now.... Please pray that God takes away my pain!
Thanks!